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Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas

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The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas

The Twelve Thankyou Notes of Christmas

 My dearest darling Edward,                        Dec 25
    What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!  That
 sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what
 an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!  Bless you, and
 thank you.
                     Your deeply loving

 Beloved Edward,                   Dec 26
    The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
 away in the pear-tree as I write.  I'm so touched and grateful!
                     With undying love, as always,

 My darling Edward,             Dec 27
    You do think of the most original presents!  Who ever
 thought of sending anybody three French hens?  Do they
 really come all the way from France?  It's a pity we have
 no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.  Anyway,
 thankyou so much; they're lovely.
                     Your devoted Emily.

 Dearest Edward,                   Dec 28
    What a surprise!  Four calling birds arrived this morning.
 They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
 they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll
 calm down when they get used to their new home.  Anyway, I'm
 very grateful, of course I am.
                     Love from Emily.

 Dearest Edward,                   Dec 29
    The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
 rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
 A really lovely present!  Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
 which do take rather a lot of looking after.  The four that
 arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm
 afraid none of us got much sleep last night.  Mother says
 she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks.  Mother
 has such a sense of humor.  This time she's only joking,
 I think, but I do know what she means.  Still, I love the rings.
                     Bless you,

 Dear Edward,                         Dec 30
    Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
 this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
 laying eggs all over the porch.  Frankly, I rather hoped
 that you had stopped sending me birds.  We have no room
 for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
 I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

 Edward,                                   Dec 31
    I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS.  This morning I woke
 up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get
 into our tiny goldfish pond.  I'd rather not think what's
 happened to the goldfish.  The whole house seems to be
 full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
 them, so please, please, stop!
                     Your Emily.

                                                   Jan 1
    Frankly, I prefer the birds.  What am I to do with eight
 milkmaids?  And their cows!  Is this some kind of a joke?
 If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

 Look here, Edward,             Jan 2
    This has gone far enough.  You say you're sending me
 nine ladies dancing.  All I can say is, judging from the
 way they dance, they're certainly not ladies.  The village
 just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
 viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting
 round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
 If you value our friends, which I do (less and less),
 kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

                                                   Jan 3
    As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
 prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,
 before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
 And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
 inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids.  Meanwhile the
 neighbors are trying to have us evicted.  I shall never
 speak to you again.

                                                   Jan 4
    This is the last straw!  You know I detest bagpipes!
 The place has now become something between a menagerie
 and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
 declared it unfit for habitation.  At least Mother has
 been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday
 afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered.
I hope you're satisfied.

 Sir,                                         Jan 5
    Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to
 inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30
 this morning of the entire percussion section of the
 Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,
 she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
 to prevent you importuning her further.  I am making
 arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
                     I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
                          G. Creep
                          Attorney at law.

 Author unknown.
Note: to be recited against appropriate musical background.
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