What Can I Tell Her - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
WHAT CAN I TELL HER? Copyright. 1886. by T. B. Harms & Co. Words by Gus Williams. Music by J. P. Skelly. 
I've a wife who is a darling, she weighs twice as much as me. And altho' I hate to say it, she's as strong as she can be; When I come home in the mornings, And her heart is in despair, Of course, like every proper man, I try to make things square. If I call her "ducky, darling," she will say that it's a chestnut; If I tell her she's a beauty, she will say that I'm a bore; If I call her popsey-wopsey. she will hit me with a mallet; So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before. 
I have tried the old dodge racket, but it never would avail; With a sick friend I've been sitting up, but that dodge, too, is stale; I tell her tales in honeyed words, but she will ne'er believe; No matter how I state my case, she thinks that I deceive; If I say the boat delayed me, she will want to see the captain. To ask him if I told the truth, or if I was on shore; If I say the carriage smashed up, she will say I should be walking; So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before. 
If I send her to the country, in the summer bright and gay. She will say that I am flirting, while she lingers far away; Should she want a seal-skin jacket, and the same should not appear She'll say the money I have spent on vulgar lager-beer; If I bring her home some oysters, she will surely ask for chicken; If I say, "come baby, kiss me," she will faint upon the floor; If I say I lost my night-key, she will swear I have been drinking; So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before.