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I've been taking advice on the right things to eat
Since shortly before I was born
From the National dried milk and the cod liver oil
To powdered rhinoceros horn
In these days they tell us to lay off the starches
The sugar, potatoes and bread
Now they've done a U-turn, tell us bread and potatoes
Will give us the fibre we need

So I've made up my mind that the menu's designed
By the experts just only for me
No trained dietitian or general practitioner
Dictates what I'll have for my tea
Brown bread with the low fat please thinly spread on
May be healthier than a meat pie
But who wants to grow old eating St. Ivel Gold
I'd would rather taste butter and die

     Cholesterol, Cholesterol
     My chance of surviving are small
     But I'll not get a dose of Anorexia Nervosa
     Cause I love my cholesterol

Now the thing that has brought this affair to a head
Is a good hearted Hatfield campaign
I just said 'What's that?'and the doc had his needle
Sucking blood out of my handiest vein
Two weeks later they measured my height and my weight
And took my blood pressure and all
The computer said 'Mate, to survive at your weight
You would need to be seven feet tall'
But I'm not going to take the suggestions they're make
About changing the food that I eat
Cutting out cheese and no chips if you please
No chocolate, no ice cream, no meat
Oh they tell you to give up these goodies below
And they promise you pie in the sky
Well semi - skimmed milk might diminish my bulk
But I'll take double cream till I die

cho: Cholesterol, Cholesterol
     My chance of surviving is small
     The cream I consume that could lead to my doom
     But I love my cholesterol

Now it's all right for you that smoke 40 a day
Or spend every night in a bar
You can tell the health visitor you'll cut it down
She'll say 'What a fine fellow you are'
But when I tell her I'd never smoked in my life
And I was teetotal to boot
She said 'Go away there is nothing to do
You've no vices that you can cut out
Now I don't mind them probing in my haemoglobin
If it's just for a case history
But it puts the health visitor into a tizzy
It's her duty to try and save me
She says 'Fresh fruit and yoghourt's a lovely dessert
Why don't you give it a try
But I don't give a hoot for a yoghourt and fruit
I'll have Black Forest gateaux and die

     Cholesterol, Cholesterol
     My chance of surviving is small
     The way that I dine 'em is cause for angina
     But I love my cholesterol

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