Something On The Quiet I Wouldn'T Like To Do - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
SOMETHING ON THE QUIET I WOULDN'T LIKE TO DO. Copyright, 1894, by Henry J. Wehman. Written and sung by Jas. McAvoy. 
Now a notion lately struck me, as an idea overtook me, While a-thinking of a subject for to write a funny song; And to make it short and sweet and interesting, also pleasing, Just wait and hear the finish, as it will not take me long. The verse I am singing to you now is but an explanation, But you'll find the rest are better ones before my song is through; And I wouldn't care to worry you, or get you out of patience, As it's something on the level that I wouldn't like to do. 
I'll favor you most any way, but I couldn't lend you money, And I think I might refuse you if you braced me for a drink; And if you sprung a joke, I wouldn't laugh unless its funny, I wouldn't say it's yellow, but, of course, I'd have to think. If I speak of Jays or Reubens, now please don't be superstitious, I might look in that direction and still not be meaning you; I would rather have a dollar bill than point you out or roast you, For it's something, when I'm sober, that I wouldn't like to do. 
For getting fresh or fanny, well, with me it's out of question, Or looking for the best of it at any one's expense; To give you tips on races, or to pick and place the winner, Or any razzle-dazzle games. I never go against. Would I pat you on the back? no, never think it for a minute, To let you drop too solid you'd surely break in two; To be a toutet to tell the trick, there isn't nothing in it, For to jolly you is something that I wouldn't care to do. 
Now, another thing, when I ; out you never see me mashing, Still I know a lot of sparrows all around our neighborhood; Still if married folks don't flirt sometimes, they wouldn't be in fashion, To find some married ones that don't I doubt it if you could. There's man and wife, the jealous traits between the two are tracing, Still they've vowed And pledged their word that to each other they'd be true: But if I had to swear before a Judge, if sparrows I went chasing, It is something, like the devil, that I wouldn't care to do. 
In bad predicaments we've all been when not expected, Should you meet your wife and have a lady friend upon your arm. Your thoughts are with your present one and not your wife connected, When, face to face, you're horror struck with sudden, wild alarm. Then hairpins, bangs and ribbons fly, they fight like two hyenas, If the earth would only open then and let you tumble through; You're taking awful chances when with other girls she's seen you, It's something, when you're married, that you can't afford to do. 
Now, to have a wife that does not work is very unbecoming, I am very sorry for to say that's something that I've got; Just to have it easy once I did a lot of bumming, And to marry any one gain, I'd rather first be shot, Well, we have our family fights and clinches every other morning, It's jealousy of other gins the trouble's sure to brew; I'll forget myself some time and on her eye I'll put a herring, If I was only able it is something I would do. 
If you want to keep a secret that is. tell a woman nothing, What she doesn't know won't harm her, and she'll none the wiser be: For they're gabby when they start to chin, there's no end to their guffing, When they get among their neighbors they are like a Harlem flea. One throws the balls, the other makes to circulate a scandal, In the coldest kind of weather they can make it warm for you; And to spread the news, you bet they do it right up to the handle, That's something, on my honor, that a man will never do.