THE LAZY MAN.
Copyright. 1894, by Henry J. Wehman.
Written and sung by Jas. McAvoy.
Kind friends listen to me about a week,
All those who haven't time to wait had better take a sneak;
When I song all the ladies wept and cried and went in black,
Boys cried, and men they cried, to get their money back.
The first time I sung it all the gallery fell asleep,
They started in a-snoring, like a lot of lazy sheep;
I fired off a cannon, but I couldn't make them hear,
And the only thing that woke them up was when I hallooed "beer!"
I'll sing about a lazy man, his name was Lazy Dick,
he took an oath when be was born he'd never work a lick;
He was so infernal lazy that he wouldn't eat his grub,
And he wouldn't move a step unless you hit him with a club.
Too lazy for to light his pipe, too lazy for to kick.
And when he couldn't lay awake he couldn't lay a brick;
Too lazy for to shiver And too lazy for to shake,
And of all the lazy people, Lazy Dick he took the cake.
Too lazy for to whistle and too lazy for to sing,
He got so awful lazy that he couldn't do a thing;
Too lazy for to catch a cold, too lazy for to cry,
At last he got too lazy for to wink his other eye.
He got too lazy for to gape-he could, but very slow,
And his face it got so lazy that his whiskers wouldn't grow;
His father hired a lazy man to help him for to think,
But he always straightened up when some one asked him take a drink.
It would lake a couple of quarts of booze to get him assified,
Too lazy to refuse a drink until he got his tide;
And when he'd get his lazy load you'd never hear him squeal,
And every time he'd miss a drink we'd slap him on the heel.
Too lazy for to take a bath, he never changed his clothes,
And he'd never change his mind until they wet him with the hose;
He'd lay in bed and starve to death, he was a lazy mope,
He'd dream that he was hungry and get up and eat the soap.
He flirted with the chambermaid, and married her, they say,
But he was too tired And lazy for to name the wedding day;
And the very day he married her, so all the papers say,
He tried to hire a man to go to church and take his place.
Too lazy to remember that he married Mary Ann,
When they woke him up And told him that he was a married man,
Too lazy for to realize exactly what he did,
He swears it never happened, it was only for a kid.
Then they sent him to the lazy house, where all the lazy lay,
A jury and a lazy Judge they gave him ninety days;
They arrested him for sleeping, for it was a lazy crime,
Then the Judge he gave him ninety more for sleeping over time.
The doctor said that laziness had filled him with the gout,
And when his time was up he was too lazy to come out;
His clothes they grew too tight to him, that was his excuse,
So the jailer ripped him up the back and had to turn him loose.
Too lazy for to take a car, he had to take the track,
He put his left foot out in front and couldn't get it back;
The other foot it staid behind and couldn't move a peg,
He was too lazy for to ask somebody to push or pull his leg.
A cop went up and asked him if he'd try and lift his feet.
He said he couldn't move a foot, they'd have to move the street;
So they lit a keg of dynamite, they lit it on the square,
And it blew the street from under him and left him in the air,
It blew him up a half a mile above the City Hall,
He won't come down because he is too lazy for to fall;
And a man that makes the rain is faking up a thunder shower,
And if lightning ever bits him he'll be back in half an hour.
You can see him through a telescope, he's up there in the sky,
Dynamite it didn't kill him. he's too lazy for to die;
The papers said, while walking on a cloud be slipped and fell,
And if he doesn't go to heaven, let him go to- church.