American Old Time Song Lyrics: 36 What Can I Tell Her

Theater, Music-Hall, Nostalgic, Irish & Historic Old Songs, Volume 36

WHAT CAN I TELL HER?
Copyright. 1886. by T. B. Harms & Co.
Words by Gus Williams. Music by J. P. Skelly.

I've a wife who is a darling, she weighs twice as much as me.
And altho' I hate to say it, she's as strong as she can be;
When I come home in the mornings, And her heart is in despair,
Of course, like every proper man, I try to make things square.
If I call her "ducky, darling," she will say that it's a chestnut;
If I tell her she's a beauty, she will say that I'm a bore;
If I call her popsey-wopsey. she will hit me with a mallet;
So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before.

I have tried the old dodge racket, but it never would avail;
With a sick friend I've been sitting up, but that dodge, too, is stale;
I tell her tales in honeyed words, but she will ne'er believe;
No matter how I state my case, she thinks that I deceive;
If I say the boat delayed me, she will want to see the captain.
To ask him if I told the truth, or if I was on shore;
If I say the carriage smashed up, she will say I should be walking;
So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before.

If I send her to the country, in the summer bright and gay.
She will say that I am flirting, while she lingers far away;
Should she want a seal-skin jacket, and the same should not appear
She'll say the money I have spent on vulgar lager-beer;
If I bring her home some oysters, she will surely ask for chicken;
If I say, "come baby, kiss me," she will faint upon the floor;
If I say I lost my night-key, she will swear I have been drinking;
So now what can I tell her that she has not heard before.