Copyright, 1891, by Francis, Day & Hunter.
Written and Composed by Boy Jones.
The most unfortunate of men am I who sings this song,
If e'er I take a step in life, fate makes it turn out wrong;
For instance, on my wedding morn, I felt so blithe and gay(My lovely bride weighed two hundred) but as we drove away-
Something occurred! to a very heavy bride-
I heard her shout, "The bottom's come out, we shall have to run inside!"
I swore a swear-she tore her hair, and oh, there was a row!
She takes all her carriage exercise in a street car now.
Our neighborhood has been the seen of burglaries of late,
So, just to please the wife, I sought a dog for our back gate;
Brown said he had a mastiff rare, he took me down to see,
But when I stooped to pat that blessed hound of pedigree-
Something occurred! to a lovely pair of pants,
And I inside 'em, "Murder!" cried, as his teeth that mastiff plants!
And I swore a swear and tore my hair, and, oh, there was a row!
Whenever I pat strange dogs I wear tin trousers now.
Although I try to pay, my way, last quarter-day, bar two,
My landlord wrote to say the rent was three years overdue
I took no heed, but when he came with minions of law,
I climbed among the chimney pots, and as he reached the door-
Something occurred! to my landlord's new chapean.
Instead of the "oof" a brick from the roof laid him on the path belowhe swore a swear, a terrible swear! and, oh, there was a row!
He does all his rent collecting in a helmet now.
I have an ancient maiden aunt, who skating thinks "so nice!"
And so, last winter she and I went out to try the ice;
We both of us had put on skates, said Auntie, "come along,
I'll show you how it's done," and she was going well And strong-when,
Something occurred! I heard an awful crack,
And looking round, there on the ground, saw Auntie on her back!
Her boots in air, made people stare, and oh, there was a row!
And Auntie's obliged to eat her dinner standing now.