THE BAD HOTEL.
Copyright, 1892, by Willis Woodward & Co.
By Joseph Hart. Sung in Hallen & Hart's "Later On Company."
I will sing of a hotel, of it, take care of it, beware!
It's a place I know quite well, take my advice, for I've been there;
The salt and pepper's good, and the water's pretty fait,
And if you want to eat at all, you must be the first one there.
Butter loud, butter proud, you could find it in a crowd;
Good for Turks, dry-goods clerks, butter that's too strong to walk;
All worn out, gives you gout, always in and never out,
'Margerine, seventeen, strong? well I should shout!
Hash that's fried on each side, hash that comes in with the tide,
Been on drunks, cut in chunks, made from hinges of old trunks;
Kills you quicker than bad liquor, it would make an old lamp flicker,
Neuter gender, like suspenders, hash I well I should snicker.
Doughnuts round, weigh a pound, drop them and they shake the ground,
Doughnuts hard, cooked in lard, good to kill cats in a yard,
Big as boulder, tough old soldier, doughnuts that will break your shoulder,
'Nuts dramatic, 'nuts rheumatic, well I should grow older.
Biscuits light, and so white, used for candles every night.
Full of dust, tough old crust, biscuits that you cannot bite,
Biscuits plain, down from Maine, makes each boarder swear like Cain,
Just like lead, kill you dead, hard? well I'd refrain.
Pies like brick, how they stick, pies that you can buy on tick.
Out of date, 'fectionate, pies that have stood many kicks,
Under weather, tough as leather, crust from bottom you can't tell.
They will give you the dyspepsia, pies? well I should yell.
Onions large, onions small, onions that make morning calls,
On the shelves, speak themselves, onions that wear overalls,
Onions plain, go to your brain, onions that drive you insane,
Onions sweet, served with meat, strong? well I'd exclaim.
Cheese that walks, cheese that talks, cheese that's good for country gawks,
Cheese that votes, cheese that floats, cheese as strong as William goat.
Cheese that mutters, cheese that flutters, cheese that's far worse than the butter,
Cheese that's speckled, cheese that's freckled, cheese? well I should stutter.
Chamber maids don't get paid, you could never guess their age,
Once I tried, she nearly died when you're forty-five I cried.
Sir! she said, I have seen eighteen summers in my time,
I fell dead, only said: How long were you blind?
Soup that's hot soup that's not. soup that's made from Lord knows what,
Soup that's cola, soap that's bold, soap that's over six years old,
Soup that's mean, soup that's lean, bean soup that has never been.
Lamp's tail, ox tail, retail, wholesale, soup? well I should scream.