Mr. Strauss's Advice to Bridegrooms.
Adair Welcker in "Binghamton Republican."
I've studied up der broplem, und I've gome to dis conclusion,
If you marries mit a widow, you will gome to some confusiou.
For she'll keep you on der gallop, und she'll magke you march around
Till she breaks your well-fixed habits, und your beace of mindt confound,
For I've tried it, have I not?
I'm very fond of schmoking, but my fran she don't desire it,
So I schmokes but ten pipes daily, as my fran she does require it;
Dough, vben I vas unmarried, vhy I schmokes, at least, a fifty;
Of gourse she has reduced dem. as she being rather thrifty-
Thoughd she'd try it. Vaell-she did.
So I do impress der young men, if dhey are aboud to marry,
Chust to marry some young gossling, else dheir habits will miscarry;
If dhey marry mit a widow, ahey will find der solemn fact is.
Dot she learn some rules der first time, vich der next she puts in practice,
For dheir conduct-dot she will.
All resistance dot vas useless, for she'll talk to dera so eveetly,
Und mit insinuations she will conguer dem gombledely.
Dill dhey vas her slaves und bondsmen, vhile dheir vishes, dhey vas solely
Her own vishes (dill she change dem) und she does coudror dem wholly
Yhen she tries it-dot she does.
All der time dot he vas dinking dot der ding vot he vas doing
Vas his own vish, shtill it vas not; he vas but her vish pertsning,
Till he gets ubon der owetside, vhen his views quide sudden changing,
Does he see now very clearly how it all vas her arranging-
Dot it vas-quide clearly.
Hence I would advise a gossling-one vot's never more dhan dwendy,
Whose knowledtch of der glup-house it vas dim und vague und scandty;
One who never heardt of latch-geys, nor bolidical conventions,
Und dinks you vas an audit I, mit but heavenly intentions-
Dot I would-in fact, I should.