There You Are, There You Ain't.
Written and Composed by Harry Boden.
I have a little friend of mine, a timid sort of chap,
Who, when in ladies company, soon meets with some mishap.
he came the other morning to me looking rather blue.
And said he "when I meet a girl just tell me what to do?"
Spoken-I thought it a somewhat strange question, but answered it simply to
satisfy him, not that I thought he'd remember what. I said, for he generally forgets the part he ought to recollect.
However I gave him my advice in the following words:
Nod politely, but do it nicely,
And if the chance occurs, just do a wink,
Don't be hasty, but if it s tasty
Try within your own her arm to link;
While you're talking and onward walking,
Be careful that you do not go too far,
And if the girl's the proper sort and you do just what you ought,
Why there you are, there you are, there you are!
Before he left he told me he was going to a ball,
And promised one day in the week upon me he would call;
he there expected he would meet of girls a score or so,
And now he got on with them he was then to let me know.
Spoken-When he came he said, a nice thing you've done for me. I said
how, he said through doing as you told me I said well what did you do? he
I saw a lady, I rose my cadie,
I went like this and then I did a wink;
I said your tasty, very tasty.
Then proposed adjourning for a drink,
But she was stuck up and turned her nose up,
And tried to look as though she were a saint,
I did just what I thought, but she wasn't quite my sort,
So there you ain't, their you ain't, there you ain't.
Our friendship's broken up, this morn a letter to me came
Which says for his misfortunes that I am alone to blame;
he says through taking my advice he has been "had" a treat.
And so he thinks it best that we as strangers now should meet.
Spokes-There is a postscript to the letter, with these words:
I did my duty, said you're a beauty,
I asked her who'd been dotting both her eyes,
I thought to please her, so tried to squeeze her,
But couldn't, for the girl was such a size;
I said, I'll treat you when I meet you,
And then she went right clean off in a faint,
But the game it didn't pay, so allow me just to say.
There you ain't, there you ain't, there you ain't.