Recited by J. W. Kelley with great success.
About a week Ago I was invited by an old-time friend of mine
To come up to me residence und test his beer and wine;
We eat a lobster salad and a lot of other truck,
And drank each other's health until the hour of three had struck-
Well, we drank until we didn't know which was wine or beer,
Till our heads felt rather heavy and our bruins not very clear.
Well, I got home, I didn't know how; my prayers I think I said;
But, anyhow, I was paralyzed when I got into bed.
Well, I died and went to heaven, I saw that repentance was now for me too late,
When suddenly I was ushered before the golden gate.
"Well, what will you have "said Peter, "don't you know you can't get In?
For you must surely suffer the greedy glutton's sin."
Then I turned aside and said no more, and hung my head In shame,
And Peter's clerk stood close by and wrote ' lost "against wy name.
Next came an Italian, one whom I knew well.
So I slopped and listened patiently to the story he might tell.
"Goods Father Petro, I comma to you at last:
My peanut days are over and my banana nights are passed;
I treats my neighbors lika myself, no begga, no robba, no steal,
And nevera on the sidewalka I throwa the banana peel."
"You get out! "said Peter, ' your gains were ill-be-gotten;
Your peanut-shells were empty, and your bananas turnes rotten."
The Italian turned away, and a tear was in his eye;
he came and stood behind me and heaved a heavy sigh.
Next came an aged Hebrew with a satchel in his band,
And before the gate and old St. Peter the "sheeny "took his stand:
"Ah, Father Peter, I vill tell you vat hi vill do:
Hi haf not jewelry at for angels hi vill auction hoff for you.
Hi could sell dem on the Installment plan, but that would be a sin;
so hi vill give them to you at haf price, ir you vill only let me in.
Ou earth hi kept a clothing-store, my goots were neat and strong,
And to show you hi had an overcoat hi forgot to fetch along."
"Then you did well, " said Peter, "for Very well you know
There'll be little use for overcoats where you will have to go."
So the Hebrew turned aside, and as he was a friend of mine.
Just like me and the "dago," he sashaad into line.
Next came an old maid, one bound to have her say;
And she began addressing Peter in this peculiar way:
"Oh, goodness, gracious me. here I am after gossiping many a year,
So open the gate and let me in. i will be catching cold out here.
Give me a first-class pair of wings, a silver shield, and then
I won't be afraid of the naughty, naughty men."
"No, " Peter answered blandly, "no angels have gray hair,
And you have no sons or slaughters, so you would be a stranger .here."
The poor, old maiden wilted, she must evermore repine,
And just like me and all the rest she waddled into line.
Next came a German, now paralyzed with fear.
Who on earth oftimes paralyzed his customers with beer.
"Veil, Fadder Beter, I come to you free from sin,
Und I vill only ask you ein favor. Das is: If yu vill let me In.
. Mein vife she runued away from me; to hide metn shame I cried,
So I went down by the river und committed suicide."
"then you begone, " said Peter, "and suffer thy disgrace.
You came before I sent for you, I cannot make a place."
The German turned away and said: "Oh, Gott! oh, mein!"
And just like me and all the rest took his place in line.
Next came poor Paddy, a son of Fun's Isle,
And greeted old St. Peter with a very gracious smile.
"Ha, ha! Is it yeself, St. Peter, looking so nice And swate,
So get yer dark to let me in and show me to me sate."
"Hold. " cried Peter, "your case, like, all the rest, must first be tried.
You will have to show a passport before you get inside."
"But hurry up, " said Paddy, "or for supper I'll be late."
And purposely he took his old slouch hat and threw it inside the gate.
"Go, get thy hat, " said Peter, "thou sacrilegious lout."
So Paddy went in and slammed the gate and locked St. Peter out;
Then, through the keyhole, loud he cried: "I'm master now, ye see,
But I'll give up heaven, gate And crown, if ye'll set ould Ireland free."
I then awoke And found my head between the bed and wall;
The sheets got tangled around my feet, 'twas that lobster did It all.