Who'll be an Old Man's Darling?
At the age of seventeen, when I wanted a wife,
'Mong the girls there's none could be bolder;
But my friends all declared 'twas too early in life,
I must wait 'till I was somewhat older.
How my time passed away, I'll not venture to say,
And the question I ever must parry;
I still am unsettled, though I'm seventy to-day,
Yet I own I am eager to marry.
But I don't want any sort of cross-grain'd dame,
No! the thought of all such sets me snarling;
But a good-natured woman sets my heart in a dame,
Who'll be an old man's darling?
At the age of twenty-five I did still wish to wife,
Though I own I had grown more particular;
I was called by the faff sex, the queerest man alive,
For for fortune I was such a stickler.-
All ray passion of love was corrupted by gold,
I wanted a wife rich and beautiful;
But I'm growing wiser as I'm growing old,
And now I don't care, so she's dutiful.
Spoken-What I mean when I say dutiful, I say what I would
like to mean, and what I mean I would like to expect. I want my
wife to have a temper of her own, keep it to herself, and show it
to me as seldom as possible; and I wish it to be distinctly understood, when I marry, I marry her alone; for I have had a mother
of my own in my day, and can dispense with a good mother at
At the age of thirty-five I strongly did strive
To espouse a young maid who would suit me;
But I'd got a rival, and as I am alive;
He vowed if I did he would shoot me.
As advancing in years I grew fonder of life,
I for love seemed inclined not to bother;
So rather than life, I gave up a good wife,
And here I am seeking another.
Spoken-Perhaps it is just as well I gave her up, otherwise,
some of you would not have the chance of a good husband; and I,
perhaps would not have been here to tell the tale. She got married
to a poor little fellow, who has never had a happy day since. He
is obliged to take his shoes off on the stair, for fear of soiling the
carpet. I endeavor to condole with him, but I'm obliged to laugh
at the ridiculous stories he tells me-ha, ha, ha! ho, ho, ho! On
one occasion, the children became rather squally through the night;
she had previously removed the candle, and when the caudle was
out, of course, they were in the dark; and when in the dark, of
course, they couldn't see; she in a fury came down stairs, and lifted
the counterpane to chastise the boys, but instead of doing so, she
very unmercifully pummeled poor Mr. Phipps-ho, ho, ho! ha,
ha, ha! I would like a wife,-Chorus.
When forty-five came I remained just the same,
That's a bachelor spruce, but not prudish;
I ogled the fair, although I declare,
I was neither offensive nor rudish.
Those that were inclined, weren't at all to my mind,
And those whom I liked did refuse me;
Though I'm seventy to-day, yet I still hope to find
Some dear little girl who would choose me.
Spoken-Yes, I said girl, but I don't mean that; I am not at all particular as to the age, the beauty, nor the personals, but I must say, that- Chorus.