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Public Bar

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Public Bar

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Public Bar
(Miles Wooton)

Early one evening
Just as the pubs were opening
A traveler was walking down
A cold and windy street
He saw a door ajar
He stepped in a public bar
Said, "Landlord, I would like a drink
And something good to eat.

I fancy some crusty bread
And roast beef of old England
Some fresh butter from the churn
A pickled onion too
And if you think you could
Draw some bitter from the wood
I'd be quite content to quaff
A gentle pint or two

I'll sit down by your pine log fire
And ponder on the infinite
The quiet of your hostelry
Shall seep into my heart
And if a regular
Should come into the bar
Maybe I'll entice him in
A contest of the dart."

"Come in," says the landlord, "I've got
Pre-packed beef paste sandwiches
And instant frozen sausages
Which I purchase by the ton
So if you fancy it
I could defrost a bit
And serve it up with ketchup
On a supermarket bun

I'll pour you a plastic pot
Of quaint old English ready-brew
As advertised on telly
By a famous rugby scrum
No dirty wooden barrels here
We only keep hygienic beer
Safely sterilized inside
This aluminium drum

So sit down by the pine log fire
I'll switch the logs on presently
Maybe you would like to try
My brand new fruit machine
Three cherries in a row
Will set your heart aglow
My jukebox plays some rock and roll
That will really set the scene."

So the traveler sat down beside
The polystyrene inglenook
Plastic beads were swaying
To an electronic sound
He started to bite and chew
He took a sip of ready-brew
He gave a ghastly gurgle
And fell dead upon the ground

"O dear, " says the landlord
As he switched the color telly on
"Another fatal accident
The third this week, I fear
If they cannot hold their own
Why can't they stay at home
I must say that we get some funny
Customers in here"

copyright Miles Wooton
sung by Roy Harris
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