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Finest Fucking Family

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The Finest f***ing Family

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The Finest f***ing Family

If you're ever down in London, and you have no place to go
And you cannot find a spot to sit you down,
For a penny on deposit you can hire a water closet
And a season ticket costs but half-a-crown.
     There's a gent's convenience at the corner of Waterloo
     And a ladies' one a little further down,
     If you've an aching in your heart we get a penny for a fart
     We own every public lavat'ry in town.

Have you met my sister Tilly? She's a whore in Picadilly
And my mother is another on the strand;
And my father hawks his asshole round the walls of Windsor Castle
We're the finest f***ing family in the land.
     Have you met my Uncle Hector? He's a cock and ball inspector
     At a celebrated English public school,
     And my brother sells French letters and a patent cure for wetters
     And an ointment for the sores upon your tool.

I learned this--and probably folk-processed it--from a self-styled
Heroic Monotone named Al Shulman, back about 1948. Variations appear
in Cray's Erotic Muse and Legman's Horn Book. Sings better in a Scots
accent RG
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E-Book - An Annotated Compendium of Old Time American Songs by James Alverson III