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The Kirk Douglas Ghoulie Gather round and I'll tell you a story, of a castle that fills men with fear Though it might make you feel a bit queasy, and it might make you feel a bit que er This castle stood high in Kirk Douglas, a wee Scottish town, aye it's true, It was haunted by ghosties and goblins, and a slimy green bogey-man too But deep in the bowels of this castle, lived the most evil thing that could be, It put fear in the hearts of the mighty, the "Kirk Douglas Ghoulie" was he He was big, he was black, he was hairy, and the veins bulged out of his face, His skin was all warpled and crinkly, but with ghoulies that's often the case. This ghoulie dined mainly on lassies, he'd gobble them up, have no fear, His taste was for pretty young virgins, so he wouldn't last long around here. One day he kidnapped a young lassie, called Kirsty MacDougall MacBlack She was big, she was saucy and tasty, so everyone called her "Big Mac"! Now this Kirsty she had a boyfriend, young Jock Lochnavar was his name He was f On hearing his Kirsty'd been kidnapped, Jock formed a plan straight away He picked up his trusty old bagpipe and mournfully started to play The monster it grabbed the young hero and Jock he screamed out with surprise If you've ever been grabbed by a ghoulie, you'll know it brings tears to your ey es The monster it squeezed the young hero, till his life started ebbing away But Jock he clung tight to his bagpipe and eerily continued to play The ghoulie danced high in the turrets, hypnotised by the bagpipe's strange soun d Twas played in the key "A flat Monster" as the ghoulie fell straight to the grou nd Ever since that great day in Kirk Douglas, young lassies all fear no mishap For they know all great big hairy ghoulies will always fall into Jock's trap! Recorded by (and possiby written by) North Sea Gas, which is (or was) the house band for the Caledonian Hotel in Edinburgh. Robin Laing has also performed this piece.